How to Start Over In a New City

New Beginnings

When I first moved out at 18 for college, I looked at starting over in a new city with excitement at all of the possibilities. I remember spending my first night alone in my new apartment and thinking about all of the places I’d explore and the people I’d meet. I don’t think anyone can help dreaming or romanticizing new beginnings. A year later, however, I found myself sitting alone in the same apartment during the summer, feeling lonely and sad because I thought that by then I should have had a large circle of friends and tons of things to do. I lived in that city for five years before moving again, and to be honest, I still couldn’t say that I was well-integrated into any community. By that point, I finally realized that I was doing something wrong.
In 2021, for the second time in my life, I’ve had to start over, but this time halfway across the country. I didn’t know anyone in this state, let alone the city. I was excited about the move, of course, but I was a lot more cautious about getting infatuated with starting over. This time, however, I decided to approach things differently.
If you have ever had to move, or you have a big move coming up, I understand the feelings you may be going through. In this post, I’ll break down some tips to help you better prepare yourself for starting over in a new city.

1- Beware of Projecting

The first and most important thing you have to understand is that moving to a different place does not inherently mean your life is going to change for the better. People assume that when you’re in a new city, you’re going to change your personality, shake off the baggage you carry, and adopt new patterns of behavior. The hard truth is, you will not suddenly have a large social circle, or become more active, happier, or richer. That’s a lot of pressure to project onto a place with new buildings and people, which guess what?- that’s all a new city is. As the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Sure, maybe you came from a place that was draining, whether it was from toxic family, the circle of friends you had and couldn’t escape from, a lack of opportunities for the career you wanted, or a reputation that followed you everywhere and made it hard for you to reinvent yourself. That makes it even easier to look at a new city with hope because at the end of the day, you have a fresh start. That’s okay. The thing to remember is that a new city offers only potential, but you have to actively change your behaviors in order to activate that potential. How do we do that?

2- Get Comfortable With Starting On Your Own

As you adjust with the moving process, this is a great opportunity to play tourist in your city for a bit, and this will help you become familiar with your area. Do some research and find out what the best local spots are. It’s fine if you haven’t met anyone yet. Go alone and explore your new home. If you find somewhere you really enjoy frequenting, like a cafe or park, then become a regular there. Make it your “third place”. Chat it up with the workers or local patrons and ask for their recommendations. Having a place that feels consistent will help you ground yourself as you do more outreach later on.

When I moved to Colorado three months ago, my husband and I spent a lot of time exploring the state on our own. We’d drive to national parks and ask locals about the best spots to hike or eat. When we saw a flyer for an event in town, we’d go, even if we didn’t know anyone there. That’s okay, because if you play your cards right, you could go home with a few phone numbers to hit up later. This brings me to my next point:

3- Find Your People

The first things you’ll probably want to do after the dust settles from moving into your place is finding friends. Most likely, you’ve moved for either school or a job, so those are already spheres of community that you can start in. When I first moved to Tampa and started at USF, I wish more people realized that I was new and extended invitations to hang out or come to their houses when they hosted parties. The sad reality is that when you’re the new person in town, you usually have to do the work of introducing yourself to people, and sometimes even extend the first invitation. If you’re an introvert like me, I get it. It’s so hard to find the courage to put yourself out there. However, it’s even harder to sit alone for days at a time in your room because you can’t think of anyone to hit up, and no one is certainly thinking of you. So do the work. Join clubs at your university and get involved in leadership positions. Ask your co-worker to grab some lunch. Better yet, invite all of your co-workers out to a local spot (this is where exploring the city on your own and becoming familiar with the area comes in handy). Encourage them to bring their friends so you have one big group to get to know. The more people you’re exposed to, the better chances you have of finding the ones who will be the best candidates for long-term friends. I never really had co-workers I could invite to lunch, but I became really familiar with the boba scene in my hometown, and even befriended the manager at one of the most popular cafes. One time I struck a deal with the manager to get discounts on drinks by hosting a networking event for creatives in my town. I advertised on social media and we all met up with our creative equipment and shared ideas. It was a great success, and my only regret was that I didn’t follow up and do more events like that. Nevertheless, the lesson was learned.

You don’t always need to host events in order to make friends, though. Fast forward to about two months after we moved to Colorado, and my husband saw a flyer for a Palestinian protest in downtown Denver. The cause resonated with us, so we made the drive even though we didn’t know a single person who was going to be there. After the march was over, some Muslims were gathering to pray asr, and I headed there to join them. There was a young woman to my left who offered to share her prayer rug. It was a small gesture, and we could have easily made nothing of it and moved on after the prayer. I decided that instead, I was going to take the leap and put myself out there. I remember the nervousness I felt after we finished praying, and I finally turned to my left and said “Thank you for sharing your rug. I’m Sara.”

And that simple phrase was the start to a friendship. Turns out, she had just recently moved as well. We exchanged instagrams, and one day I saw her post about a tubing place next to her, and I asked her about it. She offered for us to go together, so we did. Then when Eid-al-adha came, she invited us over for a dinner, along with some other friends she made in various spaces. I met more girls in the same stage of life I was in, and we made one big group chat and made plans to hang out regularly. I sat with them last Sunday at a boba cafe, playing a game of Jenga and snorting ridiculously at some of the banter that was exchanged, and I felt a little hope. Maybe things will be different this time.

4- Join a Niche Community

This sounds similar to “find your people” but this is about integrating yourself when you don’t have a job or university to meet people at (like me), or perhaps you’re looking for even more opportunities for outreach that may align better with your personal interests. In this case, I suggest taking classes or volunteering. All developed cities have recreational centers for the exact purpose of bringing the community together. They typically have classes in subjects ranging from swimming, fitness, self-defense, painting, pottery, theater, chess, etc. The good news is that classes at rec centers can be relatively cheap to sign up for, and they tend to have pretty flexible class times ranging from morning to evening classes. If you’re interested in learning a new skill, or maybe you want to meet like-minded people in something you enjoy doing, then sign up! If you prefer to stay on a budget, volunteering is an excellent way to meet people for free and find some cool opportunities to add to that resume. I was personally interested in learning pottery, so I signed up for a class at the rec center, and it was challenging and very rewarding. Once a week I showed up and laughed at myself for making wonky bowls and joked around with fellow beginner students. On other days of the week, I signed up as a volunteer at a horse rescue ranch to meet some like-minded people in an activity I enjoyed doing (taking care of horses). I even made a friend who was willing to sign up for a riding lesson with me. Despite not having a job yet, I can confidently say that joining these small niche communities have helped me better integrate myself to the city, meet new people, and learn some new skills.

5- Become a Yes-Man

I once read in a book called the “7 Habits for Highly Effective Teens” that you shouldn’t be a “Yes-Man”, which is the person who overloads their schedule by saying yes to every suggestion to go out or start a project, ultimately reducing their overall productivity. In the case of moving somewhere new, however, I’d argue that you should become that, especially in the first few months. We’ve established that more often than not, you have to take initiative to make friends. Sometimes, however, you don’t have to work so hard to put yourself out there. Sometimes opportunities come to you, and you get invited to do something or go somewhere with someone. This means that if a co-worker invites you to get lunch, say yes. If a lady at your local masjid or church asks for volunteers for some event, say yes, even if it doesn’t sound like the most exciting thing ever. If the girl who offered to share her prayer rug asks you to go tubing later and then join her and her husband for dinner, say yes. You never know what kinds of opportunities and friendships this can lead to later, so always take the opportunity to build bridges. This will set up a lot of the foundation for you to develop your social circles later on.

6- Be Patient and Kind to Yourself

Maybe you moved into your new city with no expectations (yeah, right), or maybe you made a detailed game plan of how you were going to conquer your new home by the time you moved in and the last box was unpacked. No matter how extroverted you are, or how hard you try, starting over is not easy, and it is not an overnight process. It took me two months in Colorado before I made my first real friend. That meant that for 60 days, the only people I really spoke to was my husband and friends/family over Facetime. There were days that I spent the whole day alone unpacking the apartment while my husband was at work. There were plenty of days that I felt lonely or anxious because I kept thinking to myself “what if everything’s the same here?” I write this part for myself and for anyone who may have experienced the feeling of being alone in a new place: be patient and kind to yourself. Keep trying to make friends and put yourself out there. Keep showing up.

Final Thoughts

People move to new places because they’re seeking better opportunities. Moving to a new city is definitely a means of personal growth and formative experiences, but at the end of the day, it takes conscious effort to make a change in your lifestyle within your new home, and it starts with shifting your mentality. I’ve only been in Denver for a few months so far, but I hope that putting aggressive effort into establishing myself now will pay off in the near future. With that said, if you ever find yourself having to move, embrace the change and get to work, because challenging yourself to adapt, stay curious, be proactive, and settle into a new space is the greatest gift you can give yourself.