A Lesson I Learned in 2020
It goes without saying that 2020 was a year of strife for many, but this blog post isn’t going to be about lamenting. Rather, it will be about a lesson I learned and how I want to look forward..
Old Patterns
17-year-old Sara winning first place at a TKD tournament at Disney ESPN.
In December of 2020, I decided to revisit the past by signing up for a Taekwondo lesson. I used to be a consistent martial artist from the ages of 11 to 18. TKD was a huge part of my identity during those years, and I only stopped when my priorities shifted because it was the end of my senior year of high school and I had exams and college prep. Fast forward five years to me at 23 years of age. I was living far from family and friends and going through grief from the loss of my grandfather. When I hit my lowest points of the grieving process, all I wanted was to feel the comfort of home, so I signed up for a TKD trial class near me. I remember changing into my black belt uniform in the bathroom and actually crying when I saw myself in the mirror. After years of neglecting martial arts, it felt really emotional to see myself in that role again. I was reacquainting with kickass 17-year-old Sara, who led her life with confidence and hopeful optimism. During the class itself, I sensed how out-of-shape I was, but the knowledge was still there. I still knew most of the Korean terminology, stances, forms, and techniques; it would just be a matter of time before my body caught up.
The twist to this narrative was that I didn’t do the trial class alone. My husband, Rayan, always wanted to participate in a martial art, but didn’t get the chance growing up. He attended the trial class with me and kept up pretty well. Afterwards, we discussed our options at home. The classes were pretty expensive, and Rayan wanted us to try other martial art classes like Muay Thai or MMA and see what else was out there. Not going to lie, I was pretty upset at that time. I got defensive and resisted the idea of trying something different. Couldn’t he understand that this journey was important to me? This was my chance to go back to what gave me confidence, which I desperately needed because I was drowning in grief, people-pleasing, and codependency.
It took me a while of reflecting to see what my ego was trying to tell me. Since moving out of my home at 18 I’ve been developing my identity in various roles like college student, artist/business owner, soccer coach, English teacher, and new wife, and I was constantly living out of my comfort zone. Furthermore, Rayan was actively job-searching at that time, so there was a high chance that we’d be moving out of town (or even out of state). In essence, everything in my life seemed so uncertain and it drained me. This discomfort led to self-doubt and insecurities, and when I couldn’t regulate my emotions anymore because of the grief, I desperately wanted to fall back on old patterns like moving back to my hometown Kissimmee or signing up for the sport I played in my childhood, even though it didn’t serve the current stage of life I’m in. And that’s the important realization I had to painfully come to: don’t hang on to the past if it doesn’t serve you. Being a martial artist was a wonderful stage of life, but looking back I should have remembered that towards the end of that stage I developed an unhealthy relationship with it because despite the external factors of my life at 18 (like studying for IB exams and preparing to move out of my parents’ house for college), I continued TKD at that time for superficial reasons, namely the reputation it gave me. Perhaps it was for the best that I moved on to something that would accommodate the new stages I was in, like being a wife and having an activity to do with my husband that we’d both enjoy.
Southern Cross Guest Ranch
The Compromise
I ultimately conceded and put a hold on signing up for martial arts classes until after New Years, when we might have a better idea of where we’d end up for Rayan’s job search. Instead, we put our energy into planning our annual winter break trip. Two years ago we went to Chicago, then Boston last year. This year we thought of staying at a cabin in a remote town in Georgia. I wasn’t that interested in the trip, however, and started to withdraw. Then, Rayan saw an Airbnb that was right next to a horse stable. We did further research and saw that we couldn’t ride the horses, but it sparked an idea in me of staying at a guest ranch where we could ride. After a little more research, we discovered Southern Cross Guest Ranch in Madison, Georgia (visit https://www.southcross.com/ if you’re interested in booking your own ranch vacation. Not an ad, we just really loved this place). Next thing we know, we drive up there and have the best trip we’ve ever done yet. After months of being stuck at home and wallowing in pain, being outdoors and riding for up to four hours a day was just what we needed. I fell in love with the ranch, and we decided to explore horseback riding more when we got back to Tampa.
In comes Turkey Creek Stables. Located half an hour away from my apartment, I started going there every weekend to volunteer by myself, and Rayan and I did riding lessons together every week on Wednesday’s. It was so refreshing to get a change of pace from working at home everyday, plus I got the balance of having something to do with my husband while also having my independence by volunteering and building connections with the stable on my own (something that was important to me to counter the codependency I developed in my marriage). I’m not a morning person at all, but there’s something about being there with horses at 7 am until late afternoon that brought a sense of peace and joy in my heart. There is so much potential to grow and I’m excited about being a beginner in something I always wanted to do. August to December of 2020 were such painful months, but now I have something to look forward to.
Looking Forward
With all of that said, I guess it’s time to address another aspect to all of this development, which is my art-making. I read a post recently that said that “you are allowed to enter different phases of your life and constantly remake yourself”. For the last two years, I haven’t been active in the Filali Studios art-making/blogging/business side of things. I beat myself up for that, but I realize now that I shouldn’t have. I was in a different stage of life, and I should have had more trust in the knowledge that no matter what stage I’m in, I will always be a creative person at my core. And now, in 2021, despite all of the changes I’ve been through recently (like having to start over in my career or moving from Florida to Colorado), I have decided to relaunch Filali Studios!
This decision took a lot of mental and physical preparation (I’ve been working on this for weeks), but I think I’m in the right headspace now to publicly dive back in. I have so many ideas for new blog posts and artwork to create, and I hope that you’re willing to tag along for the journey with the hope that we can all meet our most authentic, creative selves. Let’s start creating!
Your turn: what’s the biggest lesson you learned in 2020? What are you looking forward to in the future?